Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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