Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
