What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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