i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.