Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.