The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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