Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
