I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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