Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
