So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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