Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
