I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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