dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
