I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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