Only a mothe r could love this liver
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
