you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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