Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
