do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
