These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
