I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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