Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
