You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
