Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
