Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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