I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
