I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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