The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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