I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
