is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
