Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
