remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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