have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
