my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
