I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
