Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
