I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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