Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.