I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?