So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.