so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.