he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room