You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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