my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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