Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
