stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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