Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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