I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
