When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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