I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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