My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
