I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
