if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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