Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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