I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
