I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
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I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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