Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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