This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
