Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
