My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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